Police Commissioner Beki Cele's instruction to parliament on Tuesday to call him 'General' henceforth has prompted a flurry of other top officials demanding the right to pick their own title, including a request from the President's office that he be referred to as 'the Big Pimpin' Mack Daddy Jacob Zuma' in all contexts from now on.

After her recent attack on former husband Nelson Mandela and Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu, whom she described as a betrayer of the African people and as a “cretin” respectively, Winnie Madikizela-Mandela has gone on to accuse a long list of historical pacifist figures as “a bunch of namby-pamby girly-boys” and “limp-wristed wusses”.

President Jacob Zuma has accused Buckingham Palace guards of mocking his grotesquely distended skull by wearing long furry helmets whenever they accompanied him in public. Meanwhile doctors agree that the President's skull is still lengthening, largely as a result of him wedging his head up Julius Malema's bottom.

Researchers have confirmed that Zimbabwe's Lemba people have ancient Jewish roots, with sons living at home until their 30s and worried mothers urging their adult children to dress more warmly and to finish their soup because people are starving in Africa. Meanwhile Robert Mugabe says he wants their Ark to "implode the British".